FAQ
A contribution of The Cephalopod Page
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Captain James presents Snowboarding 101 So, I took the plunge this weekend. I went snowboarding. Awesome it was, and painful too. Had a ***king blast! Yeah, the snowboarding thing is definitely a rush - I'm supposed to go back to it this Sunday for another go. Of course, the muscles have to actually cooperate . . . You have been boarding for years, perhaps you could offer some tips? |
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| Aye matie. By Sunday yer sorry carcass be fit as a shark and ready for more abuse. Listen up because the little welp they will have teaching snowboarding, although just weaned, is a better boarder than you and I ever will be. Unfortunately for you, the little welp can't teach . . .
As you strap yer carcass to the plank, just remember these things. Lean uphill, yer ass breaks falls (and wind) better than yer face and even if you are toe edge uphill the fall forward is still much better (but considerably less drama points to spectators) than the full back flip and substantial back of the head SMACK of a down hill fall. I did that once at terminal velocity and managed to knock myself out. Arrrr! This was in the days before helmets were required for flyers and real men were . . . idiots. Twas a fine blue sky and bonnie day that greeted me as I came to. Plus if you lean uphill you won't experience the sheer rush generated as half the snow on the hill goes down yer butt crack as you slide, head first, 53.8 feet down the side of the mountain - right below the chair lift full of bonnie dames. Tis just like surfing or white water kayaking - lean into the wave or wipe. In this case da wave is friggin big and white and made of snow and ice but there ain't no sharks, just ice weasles, yeties, yellow snow and skiers. Also, keep yer pasty white legs covered and bent and most of yer mighty bulk on yer leading foot. If ya skate or surf y'all soon be kissing cement or reef if ya put yer bulk on yer leading foot but ya got to when strapped to a plank if ya want ta experience any carcass control. If ya start feeling cocky send yer sorry carcass to the half pipe to cut yer teeth and learn to fly with the real men and women. ;-) There is nothing that gets the blood flowing in an old salt like me than flying ten feet above the ground and looking down to notice the binding me leg is in has ripped off from the very plank I ride. Ah the quiet reflective moments in life. If ya don't fall, yer not pushing the edge. Work hard, play harder. James B. Wood IV Ph.D. |